Not so much fun, in my opinion, especially considering I'm horribly clumsy...and God forbid you put me in a limbo line on roller skates...That's an ER visit just waiting to happen.
For the past 4 months or so, I've felt like Nate and I are in the limbo line on the Army stage, and I'm just holding my breath...hoping I don't crack under the pressure.
Pass #1: January.
I'm as prepared as I can possibly be for NTC in February and Deployment in April. I have a plan. I'm going home during deployment...I'll be there with our family and friends, and we'll all make it through the year together. I know it will be tough...but I'll have great support. Limbo stick drops.
Two weeks before the guys are scheduled to leave for the National Training center, Nate gets word that he will not be joining them because of a knee injury that occurred during Basic Training which isn't rehabilitating like it should. He won't be deploying.
I cried with relief. My husband would not be going to Afghanistan.
I also cried when I got home from work and saw the disappointment on his face. He wanted to go so badly. He had trained for a year and a half for this, and it made me ache to see his pain. On top of this news, we also received word that they would be sending him to a medical board to discharge him from the Army. Basically, his services were no longer needed.
I also felt guilt...just as he did. I felt guilty for all the wives whose husbands would be leaving them while mine stayed behind. I understood his guilt very keenly, even if mine was for those left behind.
Thus began preparations for the move home and transition back to civilian life. We began looking for houses, jobs, at schools. Through every step of the process, I could see the stress hit him harder everyday. I could feel it seeping out of his pores. He was worried. The Army provides for us, and he is a soldier. It's not only what he does...it's who he is.
A few days prior to the unit departing to NTC, they transfer Nate to a rear detachment battery, away from his soldiers, with the remainder of the Field Artillery guys who will not be deploying. Limbo stick drops.
Pass #2: February/early March.
As the brigade departs for NTC, Nate warns me that it may be a tough month. All of the normal battalion duties that would normally be divided among 4 batteries, will rest on the shoulders of just a few soldiers.
He had 24 hour duty 13 times in 30 days.
I was still trying to plan. Nate went to a few appointments for his medical board. We were told that they were going to send him to the VA in Anchorage...sometime in April. Once he made that trip, we'd be on our way out of Alaska within 30-90 days. Finally...some sort of timeline I could work with.
I once read that "planning is the balm of the fearful." That phrase is so true for me. As long as I have a plan, I worry less. I throw my fear into checklists and google searches. I have backup plans for my backup plans...and if something happens and I don't have a plan to cover it, I'll make a new plan. Nate thinks I'm crazy...but it gives me some semblance of control (even if it's only an illusion) over something I will never be able to control...if that makes any sense.
So with Nate on staff duty, and sleeping when he wasn't, I went on with my planning alone. The brigade returned from NTC and our life returned to normal. Kind of. The brigade began to prepare for deployment. Limbo stick drops.
Pass #3: March.
With heading home by May or June a very real possibility, we decide to skip taking two weeks of leave to go home and see our families...besides, Nate's new battery had already taken a block leave earlier in the year, so we stayed, knowing we'd be home soon.
Every time a friend mentions deployment, I see Nate's shoulders drop. He's still so disappointed. I've given up on looking at houses at this point. I stop talking about going home. It seems to only make him feel worse. The only thing I can get him to talk to me about is the drive home...where he'd like to stop, what he wants to see. Limbo stick drops.
Pass #4: April.
Nate's old unit was set to deploy during the second week of April. The pre-deployment ceremony was set for the 6th, so we decided we would go to show our support. It was tough.
The ride home was even harder. Nate decided that he was going to go back to the Major in charge of his med board and see if there was any way to change his mind. Maybe he would agree to send him to off-post physical therapy so that he could stay in the Army. It was worth a shot. I knew he'd never be able to live with himself if he watched his guys leave without him...without giving it every effort to join them. Neither of us thought there was one chance in a million that they'd agree to it.
The next morning, he went to see the Major. I was getting in the shower when he came home to give me the news: two months physical therapy off-post. If his knee doesn't get better, they go on with the med board. If he can rehab it enough to stay in...he may deploy in August.
I was devastated. The limbo stick had just cracked me on the chin, and I had fallen. I was out of the game.
I cried in the shower for about 30 minutes. I cried out of worry for his safety. I cried because I knew he would do everything in his power to fix his knee so that he could deploy. I cried because I was proud of him. It was all I could do to drag myself out of the shower...but life goes on.
Charlie battery deployed shortly after. It broke my heart to watch the goodbyes, and to say them myself...especially hearing my husband tell them that he'd see them in August.
Depending on how his physical therapy goes, we are still facing either deployment or a medical board. That's all I know. I'm preparing for deployment, because it's what I have to do to get through the day. The hardest part of this is the not knowing. The limbo.
I always hated the limbo.
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