A few photos...

Day 133

You're home. Home.

So very blessed.

Day 132

I'm going to bed... On my last night without you for quite some time. I'm going to try to sleep, although I'm sure it will be restless. I hope you are sleeping on the plane, I know it's a long flight.

I will see your handsome face tomorrow, and I'm not sure there is a word in my vocabulary that can encompass the emotion I'm feeling. I love you to the moon and back... And tomorrow night, before we fall asleep, I will be able to kiss you goodnight for the first time in over four months... And I'm beside myself with happiness. It's the little things.

I love you. I miss you. Goodnight. Muah.

Day 131

Hi.

I had my hair done today, and my nails, so I can check that off my list. :)

I shoveled some more of the back yard today, too, but it's still pretty yucky. I know we will finish that up when you get home.

I have my first Physical Therapy appointment, off post, on Wednesday morning. I was approved for 20 visits, so we will see how it goes.

Just a few small things left to do before you get here, and I'm so excited that I can't sit still. I love you. Gonna try and get some rest. Muah. Goodnight.

Day 130

I'm exhausted. I've been running at an emotional level of about an 8, all day long, and I'm crashing. You know I'm tired if I'm in bed at 10pm.

I'm fine though, baby, I swear. I know you worry, but I'm just excited. It's good for me to crash right now, otherwise, I won't sleep at all.

I love you. I can't wait to be back in your arms. Very soon. Be careful. Goodnight.

Day 129

I know that you probably won't be able to read this until you get home. I also know that I could stay up all night waiting to hear from you, but I probably won't receive that phone call.

I'm not complaining. I know you're busy readying yourself to come home. I'll never complain about that. Ever.

So I'm going to watch a movie in bed, wishing you were with me. I know you will be here soon. I love you to the moon and back. Be safe. I miss you. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 128

I was able to hear your voice tonight for the first time in well over a week. Although I know you're tired, you sounded so happy to be off the FOB and making movements toward home. I love hearing that smile in your voice, and I cannot wait to see the one on your face when you find me in a few days.

We always say that people don't understand deployment separation unless they've lived it... The fear, the worry, the loneliness can be unbearable. I believe though, that unless you've lived through everything I just listed, you cannot fully understand the joy and anticipation of the homecoming. Missing someone you haven't seen in a while just isn't the same thing... This is an entirely different ball game.

Tomorrow I will finish my list, just in case you happen to make it home early... I want to be fully prepared... None of this last minute rushing around stuff. I'm an Army Wife... Hurry up and wait is my motto. ;)

I love you. I love you. I love you. I can never tell you that enough. Be safe. Godspeed. Goodnight.

Day 127/Week 19

OMGoodness, I miss you so much! James and Kristin came over for dinner tonight, and it's great having him back, but weird that you aren't here, too. I know it won't be much longer, though.

Happy two year Anniversary! I love you more every single day.

Be safe today. I'll meet you in my dreams. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 126

At around 10pm on April 14, 1912, the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg. It sank approximately two miles to its grave at the bottom of the Atlantic, during the early hours of April 15, claiming over 1500 lives.

I can remember being fascinated with the initial images from National Geographic, some 27 years ago. I was just a child, and knew nothing about the disaster, but it captivated me. I knew it was something important.

As I grew, I began to learn about some of the stories of Titanic's passengers. The story that has always touched my heart the most was of the Straus'.

Mr. Isidor Straus and his wife, Ida, were an older couple traveling to New York from Southhampton. He was 67, she was 63. Mr. Straus was the son of Lazarus Straus (yes, as in Levi's), and in his adulthood, became the owner of Macy's.

During the panic on the deck of the Titanic, the Straus' attempted to board lifeboat number 8. Ida got into the boat, but Isidor was denied. When she discovered that her husband could not join her, Ida got out of the boat and said to her husband, "Where you go, I go." They walked to a pair of deck chairs and waited, together, to be claimed by the sea. His body was recovered, hers never was.

Their lives may have ended a century ago, but their story lives on. This was a real love story. Real people. Real lives lost.

I can understand why she climbed out of that lifeboat. To her, the thought of living without him was worse than death. She made her choice. Some people would say she was courageous, but I'd be willing to bet that she wouldn't think she was brave. She simply chose to do what was right; what was natural to her. She chose to stand by her husband's side until the end, just as she'd promised him she would.


I love you. I miss you. Please be safe, my love, and remember, wherever you go, I am with you. Goodnight.

Day 125

My belly hurts tonight. Blah.

I'm so proud of you for putting on the big squishy suit today and letting the dog attack you. I know you're not the biggest fan of dogs you don't know, so I think it's awesome that you faced that fear.

I'm going to bed...but tonight is the 100th anniversary of Titanic hitting that infamous iceberg that led to the deaths of so many. Tomorrow I will tell you more about why it means so much to me.

I love you. Be safe and smart. Not much longer now.... You will be home before the milk I bought today expires. :) Goodnight!

Day 124

Spent pretty much the entire day chipping at ice in front of the house. I had to dig a trench from the gutter to the middle of the driveway, then from the middle of the driveway to the road, then from the front door to meet the rest of the trenches. Much more difficult than it sounds, I assure you.

I love you, soldier. We're getting close now! Muah. Goodnight.

Day 123/Month 5

Today marked the beginning of our 5th month of deployment. Four months gone. There are times when it feels like its been so much longer.

I miss every little thing about having you here, now. I've had several people tell me that it feels like it has gone by quickly...it certainly doesn't feel like that from where I'm standing. I miss holding your hand and feeling your wedding band on your finger. I miss the little smirk you get when you think you're right about something, and how you pout all dramatically when you figure out that you aren't so right after all. I miss how you act all irritated when I don't finish my soda and you find a half full can (I've done that my entire life, so you may as well get used to it).

I miss singing the wiggle in my toes song from your Kindergarten PTO program. I miss having someone to talk to about the mundane parts of my day, and finding humor in them with you. We laugh so easily together. I miss you taking the trash out. I hate taking out the trash. Hate. It.

I miss your hugs. Sometimes I can't remember what a hug feels like....

I love you. Goodnight, soldier. Be safe.

Day 122

I'm so tired.

My knees hurt, my neck hurts, and I didn't get to talk to you today, so I'm bummed.

I miss you so much, baby. I love you with all my heart. Goodnight.

Day 121

I've spent most of the day trying not to feel sorry for myself. Typically, when I go to the doctor for something sports/injury related they tell me I'm fine. Ice. Elevate. Blah, blah, blah. Today's news wasn't as pleasant as I was hoping, and the possibility that I may have seriously injured my "good" knee this time has had me a bit down. I'm not very good at sitting still, so laying on the couch today, with a million things to do before you get home, has made me a little nuts, especially with you not here to keep me company.

The good news is, I should start physical therapy next week. Let's pray that it works. I'd rather not have to have meniscus surgery...even if it would give us matching knees. ;)

I love that your time there is winding down. I know we have both received a lot of messages and emails full of support and kind words. I was very grateful for the message that we both received this evening from a friend that we've both known for many years. Her sweet words couldn't have come at a better time for me, and I know they touched you as well. She made me cry... In a good way, and I know she will be reading this, along with several others, so I would like to thank each of them for their kindness, love and support. Our friends, family, teachers, extended families.... You have not gone unappreciated. You have all done your part in making this deployment a little easier for both of us to bear. Thank you, from both of us.

I started this blog for our friends... And when you deployed, I began writing for you daily, not expecting anyone else to read it. It still blows my mind that we have so many who care enough to read about my struggles here. It makes my days a little brighter, and sometimes I don't feel as lonely as I could. And I know how much you look forward to them, too, babe. It keeps me going.

Maybe I can turn this crazy life of ours into a book one day, huh?

I love you more than words can ever say. You are the glue that holds me together and I think that without you, I would simply cease to exist. Even from 6,000 miles away, you are my whole life. Be safe, soldier. Be smart. Keep your gun clean, and get your butt home. ASAP. And that's an order, Sergeant. I love you. Goodnight.

Day 120/Week 18

So I'm laying here in bed, and my knees hurt. :( This can't be good. Hopefully they will feel better in the morning, because I don't want anything to hold me back anymore. I'm finally on the right path for being healthy and I don't want my stupid knees to get in my way. Getting old sucks.

I'm so glad you'll be home soon. I miss you more than I can ever describe. I love you with all my heart. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 119

Happy Easter, baby.

Today was a pretty good day. Jenn and Myranda came over for a while. I did laundry and dishes, then watched my Sunday night shows.

I know my blogs have been short lately, I'm just so anxious for you to come home. I miss you so much, and it's hard to watch all these flights come in and know that you aren't on them yet, but I know we don't have much longer. I'm trying to be patient, but we both know that it's not a strong point for me. ;)

I love you with all my heart. The puppies say hi. They said to tell you that it's getting warm outside and they are ready for you to take them to the park. They love you, Daddy.

We will talk to you tomorrow. Meet you in my dreams. Goodnight.

Day 118

I said I'd write more today, but I just can't do it. I'm exhausted. I love you. Happy Easter. Can't wait for our turn... Goodnight.

Day 117

It's gonna be a super long night. Flight comes in at 5am. Not sure how much more I can say, but you know who is on it. I'm gonna go sit with his wife in about an hour. I'll post more details tomorrow, and I'll tell you all about it in the morning.

I love you so much. Our time is coming soon. Be safe. Goodnight.

Day 116

Ahhhh! You'll be home soon enough that I'm starting to freak out!!! Not a lot left to do now, but I seriously need to tan, like, every single day.

The running is going pretty well. I'm happy with my motivation level, and hopefully I won't look like a duck out of water when you get home. I'm just not very graceful.

Hopefully I won't wake up freezing tonight... Shelby stole the covers last night. :|

I'm heading to bed. I love you with all my heart and I can't wait for you to get here. :D

Be safe, baby. Goodnight.

Day 115

So run #2 went well today... Better than I anticipated, actually. I increased my distance and pace, and I didn't puke my guts up afterward, so I'll count that as a win. :) I'm not breaking any records, but at least it feels good to be out and moving. There's a trail through the woods in the middle of the subdivision that is really beautiful... I think you'll like it.

I miss you. Sometimes, like when I wake up in the middle of the night, I forget for a second that you aren't here. I woke up the other morning and could have sworn that you were awake and getting ready for PT. You were talking to me, telling me that you loved me and you'd be back soon. By the time I realized that you weren't really here, I was so upset that I just got out of bed. The times like those, when my brain tricks my heart into thinking you are here, are the hardest.

I know it's not much longer now... Just another couple weeks, but it's still not easy. Be careful. I love you to the moon and back again. Goodnight.

Day 114

Public Service Announcement: Ladies, please do not drag your husbands to see Titanic in 3D. It's just like the old one. Same plot, he still dies at the end. Same iceberg. Same implausible stretch of a love story. If you want to go with your girlfriends, have at it... But don't make him suffer... Thank you.

Ok, now that I have that out of the way, I did my first run today. It wasn't easy, but I pushed through it and managed not to puke until I made it back to the house. :) I'll be taking Shelby with me starting tomorrow. She's fat and needs the exercise, and I may need her to haul me out of the woods after I've collapsed. Win, win.

Ok. Going to bed. See you later this month, baby! I can't wait!!! :) I love you! Goodnight.

Day 113

It feels like now that we are nearing the end of this deployment, every day is an emotional jungle-gym. I'm worn out.

The Cats won today... Eighth NCAA basketball championship. That, in itself, is impressive, but the way those boys play is just amazing. They deserved this title.

I'm going to start running tomorrow, short distances at first. I'm getting so bored working out, so I'm hoping this helps me stay motivated.

Goodnight, baby. It won't be long now. :)

Day 112

I can't post what I'm feeling tonight... It's too private, too personal. I think you understand.

I miss you more than I'll ever be able to explain. I need you.

Soon. You'll be home soon.

I love you, soldier. Goodnight.

Day 111

I miss you.

Today was a long day. Jenn and I managed to get a lot accomplished today, in addition to seeing The Hunger Games, which wasn't nearly as great as the book but still good.

Going to sleep. I love you with all my heart. Be safe. Goodnight. Muah.

Day 110

I ran a ton of errands today... Just trying to be sure you don't have to worry about anything after you come home.

I read a little tonight. I'm typically a really fast reader, but I swear, it takes me an hour to get through ten pages of this book. It's insane! The book is great, but it reads painfully slowly.

Anyway, time for me to call it a night...one day closer to your arms. I love you. Goodnight.

Day 109

I feel like these days are dragging on for an eternity... Like every time I look at the calendar, it's still the same number of weeks away as it was the last time I counted. I'm sure it must be even worse for you...

I catch myself daydreaming about your homecoming. A lot. I've had my outfit picked out for months. I know how I will wear my hair, my makeup. I can already feel the nervous anticipation creeping through my bloodstream... Perhaps that anticipation is what has also made time stand still. I've thought more than once that maybe Sleeping Beauty got the best deal out of the bunch... She got to sleep until her prince came home... No worrying, no nightmares, just sleeping until he planted a kiss on her. I wonder if she had to get up and make dinner after that nap?? They always leave those parts out of the fairy tales. ;)

I can't wait to touch your face, to be able to feel you and know that you're real.

I love you with every bit of my heart.

Very soon, I will be back in your arms.

Goodnight, soldier.

Day 108

First off, sorry last night's blog was so short. Sometimes I feel like if I start writing, I'll never shut up. Other times, I think I just feel empty.

I know that most people probably think I'm insane when I say that I feel like this deployment has brought us closer together...strengthened our relationship. I find it difficult to understand why the notion of it strengthening us is so improbable.

Isn't communication one of the keys to a strong, lasting relationship? We have been put in a situation where we have no choice but to learn to communicate effectively. When everything you know and love is typing away on the other end of an Internet connection, you teach yourself very quickly to translate those words on the screen into your loved one's voice inside your head.

You find ways to make the other happy during conversations. You don't leave anything unsaid. You learn to communicate in ways that you normally wouldn't need to...because you no longer have the benefit of eye contact, or touch, or smell, or even sound.

We have learned to effectively communicate. Most times I can hear your voice in my head, answering a question before I ever ask it... Which tends to make things easier. Lol it's helpful to know your opinion without needing to ask. :)

I'm not saying that we always communicate on a pro level, but I feel like we do pretty well... Much better than average... And I think it's a major reason that I feel so close to you.

I love you, babe. I'll talk to you soon. Until then, be safe. Goodnight.

Day 107

I love you.

Day 106

I'm just not even going to talk about today.

I will say that Sadie is feeling better, though.

I love you so much. Please be safe, my love. Be smart, be aware and be true to yourself. You're my hero and my best friend. My heart is with you. Goodnight.

Day 105

Well, the Tater Bug is feeling bad again. I was up most of the night with her. At least she tries to wake me up. Poor baby. Doodle is fine now, though, so that's good. I just can't figure out why Sadie is sick. Unfortunately, it seems like when she gets sick, she keeps it for a while. :(

So we're going to bed, baby. I'm tired. Here's hoping she does ok tonight. No more messes. I love you. I can't wait for you to get home. Be safe, my love. I'll meet you in my dreams. Goodnight.

Day 104

Well, today had some eventful moments. I went to an FRG meeting with Jenn... And one wife proceeded to throw a fit about her husband choosing his father as his main point of notification. If that didn't say enough about their marriage, she then told everyone in the room that she was not looking forward to her husband coming home because he was an (insert explicative here) and he thought he was going to come home and relax on half days, but he has another thing coming. Then she told us that if he was going to only work half days until June, he could get a second job.

I looked at Jenn, and we immediately grabbed our bags and left before I got ugly. I cannot believe that a human being would actually act like that... Let alone in public. I was totally floored. Maybe it was wise of that soldier to choose a parent as main info contact... Especially with a wife who acts like a child. At least this way an adult will get the information.

Anyway, I'm headed to bed. I still think I'm behind on sleep from the pukey, poopy night.

I love you to the moon and back. I'll see you soon. All my love, goodnight.

Day 103

What a day....

I woke up at 3am to a dog puking on my head... Literally, on my head. Poor Sadie. She's laying there shaking after I clean it up, so we go downstairs to potty and she doesn't make it out the door before her hiney explodes.

After I get that cleaned up as best I can without the steam vac, we go back to bed. Not 30 minutes later, she wakes up sick again. At least we made it outside this time before the rear explosion. This went on all night long.

I finally fell back asleep at about 10am, and woke up to Flint having an accident. Poor babies. You know how they are... When one wiener is sick, the other follows right behind.

So when I got to talk to you this morning, I was having a poopy day (pun intended), but you managed to turn that right around with news of orders!! We're heading home, baby!! Fort Knox!!

I couldn't be happier! We can finally plan!!! Now we can just focus on getting you home and moving on to the next phase in our lives. The past year of limbo has been so difficult, and now it finally feels like we have a direction and a goal. I'm not sure anyone can quite understand the challenges we've had and the victories that have led us to this point... It certainly hasn't been easy, and now we can finally breathe a sigh of relief. I feel like its a very positive move for us, and it couldn't come at a better time.

Despite all of the stresses and bumps, I love you with my whole heart. I can't imagine a second of my life without you in it, even from halfway around the world you are very present, and I'm so thankful for you. Everything we have been through, we have handled together, and I know that nothing will ever change that. You're my rock and I adore you.

I'm headed to bed with the iPad to begin planning. I love you, and I'll talk to you in the morning. Be safe. Be smart. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 102

Ok. In bed before 11 (yay, me!), big day tomorrow. Going to an awards ceremony at 9, then preparing the barracks for the single soldiers at 6 (during the UK game... You tell them they'd better appreciate it, darn it).

The FRG meeting went well. They went over a lot of things with us about the two weeks after you return home. I took my handy, dandy iPad with me to take notes and it was fabulous. I emailed the notes to you, Kristin and Ashley with no problems at all. Love it!

Going to sleep. I've decided that the more I sleep, the quicker you'll be home, right?

I love you. Goodnight.

Day 101

Some days are just tough... Not for any particular reason, but sometimes I just really, really want to hug you.

I'm going to bed a little earlier every night, so that's good. I should be on a non-vampiric schedule by the time you come home. The down-side is that by the time I make it to bed and remember that I've forgotten to blog, I'm ready to crash.

FRG final redeployment meeting is tomorrow night.... Maybe it will start to feel like you are officially coming home, although its still at least a month away.

I miss you so much. I love you bunches and bunches. The puppies send kisses and wiggles. They love you, too. We will talk to you tomorrow and dream of you tonight. Goodnight. All my love.

Day 100

Blah. I know you're not having such a great day today, and I just want you to know how much I love and miss you. Try to brush it off and not be upset. I'll keep saying my prayers for everything to be okay.

I got a lot accomplished today (yay!) and I'm excited for you to be able to come home and enjoy all my hard work... I just wish they'd stop pushing the dates back. :( <- big pouty face.

I love you. Be safe. I'll meet you in my dreams. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 99/Week 15

I had ice cream for dinner. It was fabulous.

I'm falling asleep typing this, but I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 98

More rearranging today....

Organized and sorted your side of the closet. I took some of the things you don't wear often to the guest room closet to make more room so your clothes aren't stuffed in there. I even color coordinated so you could easily find what you're looking for. It's getting there. I should have everything they way I want it before you come home.

Your welcome home banner has taken up residence on the wall of the third bedroom. I figured we could put it back there after your homecoming. It's pretty cute. I think you'll like it.

I'm in the process of moving all of our crafting things to the third bedroom and organizing them there, but it may take a while.

Anyway, I can't wait for you to get home!!! I love you, babe, and the pups say hi. Be careful over there. Goodnight.

Day 97

Helped Jenn get her house decorated today. I'm tired. Going to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Kahne. Mommy and Daddy love you so much!

Love you, baby. Be safe. Goodnight.

Day 96

Another Friday night has come and gone... Another weekend beginning.

It's past midnight, so it's now Bubby's birthday. Happy Birthday, Kahne! Mommy and Daddy love you.

I love you, soldier. I can't seem to shake this stupid headache, so I'm calling it a night. I'll see you in my dreams. Goodnight. Muah.

Day 95

I worry. I know that bad things are happening over there as a result of one person's actions, and I worry. I'm terrified that he has put you all in danger, and it makes me angry.

Do people not think of the global consequences of their actions? When one person does something stupid, it can cause an absolute uproar, putting every one of you at risk. When one person leaves their post, they leave an entire base unprotected. When one soldier decides to make his own orders, I can damage an entire mission.

I pray that you all return home safely. I hope that none of you suffer the consequences of another soldier's actions. Stay safe, my love. Keep your head down. Courage is only born during moments of fear...one cannot exist without the other.

I love you. Come home to me. Goodnight.

Day 94

I miss you. I miss the way we laugh together. I miss the way you look at me. I miss holding your hand in the car and belting out songs that we shouldn't. Did you know that the only time you call me "Stephanie" is when you are aggravated at me? ;) I miss how you always move the heavy things around the house, and you hardly ever let me carry anything on the stairs because you know I'm likely to fall down them. I miss the smile on your face and my "honey, I'm home" kiss when you come through the door after work. I miss how you pretend to not hear me when I nag. I miss your boots in the middle of the floor. I miss watching TV together.

I miss how the puppies go nuts when you come home, and how you pretend that you haven't seen them in days so you can play with them. I miss how we totally laugh at the exact same points in movies, even if it's not funny. I miss the texts in the middle of the day asking who someone is, and I immediately know that they sent you a friend request on Facebook. I miss how your phone goes off every 15 minutes because you have carrots to harvest on Zombie Farm. I miss how you go silent in the middle of a conversation because you are "invading the ninjas."

I miss how you stop what you are doing and put an arm around me anytime there is a breaking news story that comes on TV, and you hold me like you're afraid I might break. I miss playing Warhammer with you (and kicking your butt). I miss the way that we don't have to talk, and yet we completely understand what the other is saying. I miss kissing you goodnight. I miss fighting over control of the sink when we are brushing our teeth before bed. I miss the smell of your skin, and touching your face. I miss your hugs. I especially miss the way you tuck my hair behind my ear when I'm frazzled...it's like you know that's the shut-up-and-kiss-me button.

I miss you.

You're my best friend. Be safe and come home to me. I love you with every bit of my heart. Goodnight, soldier.

Standing Guard

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
my daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree, I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep
in perfect contentment, or so it would seem.
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eye when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
and I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.


A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts,
to the window that danced with a warm fire's light
then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night"

"Its my duty to stand at the front of the line,
that separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red white and blue... an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home,
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat,
I can carry the weight of killing another
or lay down my life with my sisters and brothers
who stand at the front against any and all,
to insure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone.
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead,
to know you remember we fought and we bled
is payment enough, and with that we will trust.
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.

by: Michael Marks
December 7th, 2000

Day 93/ 3 months gone

I actually had you on good video tonight. :) It means a lot to me when I can see you smile.

I'm so tired tonight, babe. I spent like two hours trying to figure out how to download our DVDs to iTunes so we can watch them on the drive out, our you can watch them on staff duty when you come home. I think I may have it figured out now, though, but I'll probably need to get an external hard drive for the laptop. I think it's running out of space. Maybe I can get a few of them done before you come home.

Ok. I'm going to sleep. I love you to the moon and back. Soon you'll be home in my arms. I can't wait to kiss you. My love, my hero. Goodnight.

Day 92/Week 14

Thirteen weeks gone. Three months tomorrow. Feels like ages longer since I have seen your face.

I love you.

Goodnight.

Day 91

I'm currently being rooted out of bed by 3 small dogs. They not only seem to have the powers to push me to the edge of the bed, but two of them have very cold noses. :| We miss you. Please come home and take the bed thieves back to your side.

Kahne is actually sleeping on YOUR pillow right now. Prolly won't last long. He seems to enjoy dream-running on my head in the middle of the night.

Shelby has taken over your side of the bed. Sadie and Flint lay wherever they are most in my way. Lol. It's a good thing they're cute.

Not much longer baby. You'll be home soon. I can't wait! I'm ready to retire this pillowcase with your face on it. I'll trade it for the real you any day of the week. I love you. Miss you more than I can ever explain. Goodnight, love. Be safe over there.

Day 90

So we go to daylight savings time tonight...not sure if that means I'll talk to you at the normal time, or an hour later. :/ Can't believe I didn't think to ask. I guess I'll just set my alarm earlier so I am sure not to miss you. I'm so confused. Lol

Ok. Now that I've thought about that, I'm going to bed. My head hurts. Do they have daylight savings time in Afghanistan? If not, does this mean we will only be on a 30 minute time difference now? Ugh.

Mom called tonight. They made it home safe. She said they had fun.

I love you. Be safe. Take care of you. Goodnight, soldier. Meet you in my dreams tonight.

Day 89

Aurora fail.

The forecast was a 6 tonight...I've never seen it above a 4, so Jenn and I pulled out the camera and the tripod. Two hours, 40 miles and a lot of laughs later...I made it home seeing nothing but snow, clouds and two trains. Even the moose stayed in tonight.

Ahh, well. Whatever. At least we had fun.

I'm heading to bed to try and read some. It bugs me endlessly that you finished this book before I did. :|

I love you with all my heart. You are my sun and stars. ;) Goodnight, soldier.

Day 88

So I've started and deleted this blog four times tonight. I'm really frustrated and I'm not sure what has caused it. I think maybe things have just been weighing heavily on my mind and it manifests in this funk of a cloud over my head that I can't seem to shake.

I've just heard so many stories of cheating and lies lately that it makes me want to climb inside a bubble and stay there until you come home. I miss you. I miss your smile and your warmth. I miss your hugs. I miss your laugh.

I can't wait for you to come home. Please hurry. I'm posting the Army Wife Creed below as a reminder to you of what this all means to me. I've always got your six. One hundred percent. I love you soldier, goodnight.



I am the wife of an American Soldier.

I am a supporter of the United States Army - an encouragement for the protectors of the greatest nation on earth.

Because I am proud of my husband and the uniform that he wears, I will always act in ways creditable to him, the military service and the nation he is sworn to guard.

I am proud of my husband. I will do all that I can to protect and provide for my family in his absence. I will be loyal to my husband and to the vows that we made as we entered the covenant of marriage.

I will do my full part to carry on the values and goals we have set apart for our family and I will continue to instruct our children in the same manner.

As a soldier's wife, I realize that I play a vital role in my husband's decision to become a member of a time-honored profession - that I am doing my share to keep alive the principles of freedom
for which my country stands.

No matter what situation I am in, I will never do anything, for pleasure, profit, or personal safety, which will disgrace my husband, his uniform or our country.

I will use every means I have to encourage my husband to be the best soldier that he can be.

I am proud of my husband, my country and its flag. I will fly the flag and will always remember the sacrifices
made by my husband and by generations of men and women that have served our beloved country.

I will try to make my husband proud of the manner in which I accept his decision to defend my freedom and
the freedom of all American citizens -
for I am the wife of an American soldier.

Day 87

Wow. I'm soooo tired. Ran errands with Jenn today, got my nails done (yay!), didn't do anything particularly tiring but I'm tired nonetheless.

I think I'm going to go to bed and try and read a little before I fall asleep. I can't wait to kiss you goodnight, and fall asleep in your arms again.

Not much longer now, my love. Not much longer...stay safe. Come home to me. I love you to the moon and back, goodnight.

Day 86

So I finally was able to get all of those picture/posters printed today...it only took three hours at Walmart. :/ I think my aurora photos look pretty great on the wall above the couch.

Your boots came in today, so you should be all set when you get home except for new tennis shoes. I'll start collecting your dress blues on the next paycheck. I'm super excited to see you in them! I love seeing you in your dress uniform. ;) Maybe you won't hate your blues as much as the greens.

Your surprise is ready, as well, but you don't get to see it until you get home.

Soon, baby! I'll get to hug you and kiss you very soon! I love and miss you so very much. Please be safe today. All my love is with you. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 85 (giving thanks)

I am a very lucky girl. This Army Wife life ain't easy.... But you are so wonderful. You cheer me up, you keep me from losing my mind, you calm me down. You always have my back.

One aspect of this life that I don't mention often is family... Not the family we are born into, but the Army issued family... Our brothers and sisters. The military fuses people into a special bond that is different than any other. I am lucky enough to have several "brothers" in Afghanistan who keep an eye on both of us. They make it a priority to check on me and keep me posted when you cannot. I'm still not sure how, as the eldest of our entire group of friends, I always end up being the little sister. ;)

I got a letter from a dear friend just before Nate deployed in December. With his permission, I'd like to share it tonight. His heartfelt words are like a hug from my wonderful big brother every time I read his letter. It gives me comfort when I worry.

This is the letter that I received from Sgt. James Powell on December 5, 2011:

To end this day before I lay my head down to sleep in this land of dreary hostility, it weighs heavy on my mind that you are in a time of need.
I do not come to you as a brother, family member or dear friend. Today I come as a Soldier and answer as only a Soldier can.
As a Soldier, always pragmatic and realistic, I will not make promises that cannot be kept. I will not fill your head with empty dreams of guarantees that are dishonorable to make. I do come to make promises though, promises that will be kept. As your Soldier leaves your arms, know that he is not heading pointlessly into a dangerous world far from your love and care. Know that he is heeding the call of 99,000 fellow armed Soldiers that want and need his courage, strength, honor and integrity. As he leaves our cherished country behind and his loved ones with it we share in his heartache and sorrow from afar.
This I PROMISE to you, from the moment your Soldier leaves your arms he will be guarded and watched over as steadfastly as if you were armed and by his side. Every step of the way he will be surrounded by fellow Soldiers, like-minded, like-trained, and equally honorable.
I PROMISE that as long as he remains within distance of arms, sight, sound or bullets he will be protected by the best military force this world has ever seen. I also PROMISE before those distances are ever exceeded many enemies will be laid to rest and their wives will have want to grieve.
I PROMISE during every mission, task and dreary day, your Soldier will have a few of the 99,000 around him to help pick him up, give him a hand and watch his back until that faithful day when we can all come home.
I PROMISE that we will ALL do everything in our power to ensure we get to our cherished land whole and alive so you can be with him again.
When you feel down, remember all of this and if it becomes too much, call on us... any of us and we will dispatch the rear-detachment of Women Insurmountably Valiant & Eternally Sacred (WIVES) to come to your aid. They are a feisty bunch but they represent us honorably and with pride and will serve you well in your times of need.


P.S. Smile Chihuahua, I got his back. I'm going to sleep now. Talk to you soon.


I will always hold this beautiful letter near my heart. The fact that he took time from his day to make me more comfortable means so much to me.

So this is my "thank you" to my brothers. Thank you for having my husband's back. Thank you for checking on me. Thank you for being so giving of yourselves...and thank you to your amazing wives and children. I love you all.

And Nate...thank you for being such a wonderful husband. My life, my hero. You amaze me every single day. I love you. Goodnight.

Day 84

Sunday. Why is it so difficult for me to remember to take out the darn trash?!?

Here I am, sitting in bed, reading... And I just remembered the trash. Sheesh. It's only one bag... It can wait a week.

I made a calendar today. It's a special countdown calendar. Every day is a heart made out of paper, like a paper chain. They are dated, and every morning I'll remove a heart. When the last heart is gone, you'll be home!! :) I attached a pic.

I'm also attaching a pic of our first post on Facebook. I found it tonight while looking through this new timeline nonsense that is my profile. You were in Iraq then.

Life has brought us to where we are today... Together. I wouldn't trade a minute of this journey. I love you more than I can ever express. Please be safe, and come home soon. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 83

Cleaned the house. Win.

Worked out. Win.

Made your welcome home banner. Win.

Finished the quilt hanging. Win.

Watched a chick flick and didn't cry. Winning!

Love you, baby. April can't get here soon enough!! Muah, goodnight.

Day 82

I'm exhausted. I'm not exactly sure why...but I'm going to bed as soon as Jersey Shore is over. I swear.

I love you with all my heart. We miss you so much. Love you, goodnight.

Day 81

When I woke up this morning, I checked Shelby's ears, as usual, and they looked awful. Not their normal red and itchy...but awful, like blistered hamburger. Poor baby. I took her to the vet.

She did pretty well as far as vet trips go. She was pretty well behaved until we got into the exam room where she decided to go dogatonic and play dead in hopes that the vet would ignore her (see picture below). For those who don't know, dogatonia is a condition that affects my dogs at times when they don't want to do what you are asking them to do, for example, Kahne gets dogatonia when wearing clothing. Flint gets it when told to go to his kennel. Shelby is apparently only dogatonic at the vet. Basically, they lay there and look at you out of the corner of their eye, believing that if they ignore you, you will go away...sound familiar, babe? We call it selective hearing or artillery ear when you do it. ;) Love you.

After leaving the vet office with three medications, a diagnosis of a skin infection most likely caused by allergies and an almost $200 bill, we went to petco to get dog food. Usually you are with me when we take Shelby with us to petco....today I got to wrangle both the cart and Shel, while trying to get a 30 pound bag of food in the cart, a 15 pound bag, pay for it all and get her back to the truck with the purchases.

When we get to the truck, I leave the cart at the back and go to the side door to put her in before unloading the cart. As I open the door, a raven (these things are as big as chickens and protected by law due to some native belief that upon death, they are reincarnated as one of these dumpster divers. Killing one results in a hefty fine...something to the effect of $20,000) decides it will stroll out from under the truck. The bird saw Shelby at about the same time that Shelby saw the bird. Due to the positioning of the raven between the dog and the truck, it couldn't fly, so it had to take the second best option...it ran. That's right...it ran.

This bird went bolting back under the truck for safety, falling on the ice not once, but twice, before it was sure Shelby didn't have it's tail feathers in her teeth. I haven't laughed so hard in months. Shelby looked up at me like, "What the hell was that, Mommy?"

After we made it home, Shelby took her medicine and it seems to be working. She's not scratching, but it's got her fairly knocked out. I'm just thankful her itching has subsided a bit.

I am headed to bed, but I'm sorry you couldn't be there to watch The Great Standoff today. It was pretty hilarious. I love you, babe, and miss you tons. See you in my dreams. Goodnight.

Day 80

I got a dress!! Yay! I can't wait for you to come home and see it. I really think you will love it, babe. P.S. I managed to find it at a consignment shop and it was super cheap. :)

That being said, I'm tired and heading to bed. I love you. Be safe and I'll talk to you soon. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 79

For the most part, Fairbanks isn't so bad. Yes, it's cold, but that's only a problem when you go outside. We have access to most everything that's needed, but sometimes you run into a situation where something specific is needed that isn't readily available in a secluded location.

For example, we have a military ball in July. There is one dress shop in Fairbanks, and it's horrid, not to mention outrageously expensive, so I'm forced to shop online. If you've ever purchased formal attire without trying it on, you know how frightening it can be...and I'm picky. I'm also short. Five inch heels are a standard part of my formal wardrobe.

So I picked out a dress online, on eBay, thinking "If it doesn't fit, I'm not out much money, and I'll resell it."

After working with the seller for over 12 hours to get my Alaska zip code included in her shipping exception, I try to purchase the gown again.... And someone buys it as I'm pressing the buy it now button. Livid.

Seriously? Seriously. Not only is online shopping the ONLY option I have for this ball, I have to fight to get it shipped here, and then some butt head buys my dress! Ticked. Off.

Whatever. I'll find another one. It's just the principle of the matter. I needed to get that off my chest.

Love you, baby, and can't wait for you to come home. I'll meet you in my dreams tonight. Goodnight.

Day 78/ Week 12

Eleven weeks down... Eleven. That totally doesn't seem to encompass the missing you that I've done since you left. Eleven weeks doesn't sound like long enough to cover it. Just sayin'.

So The Bachelor has been a flop of a disappointment this season. Ben is more boring than he was on The Bachelorette, the girls are insanely too good for him with the exception of Courtney who has been the mean, obnoxious girl. She has now realized that she's been ratted out by the other girls and is trying to save face... But I don't think Ben so much cares about her face. He'll pick her for her less, umm, yeah. He'll pick her... Mark my words.

Smash is pretty great. I think you may like it and it's just now starting to get really good. I actually look forward to it each week now. I have The Walking Dead and Survivor saved on the DVR for you, so no worries. I'm waiting until you get home to watch them.

What else? Oh. There was a fire today during Daytona. Montoya's car blew a tire or something and went spinning into the back of one of the dryer trucks on the track. No one was hurt, but the fire was crazy. It took them forever to clean up all that fuel.

Ummm... Yeah. That's all I've got. I love you and miss you, babe. Please be safe. Come home soon. I'm ready to kiss you goodnight again. Muah.

Goodnight, my love.

Day 77

I miss you sooooo much! It just hit me tonight how close you actually are to coming home....I mean it's really soon, baby! I have so much to do! Ahhhh! I've been screaming for the last hour, mostly to annoy the neighbors, but a large part of it was out of excitement.

I absolutely cannot wait to hug you and kiss your face. You mean the world to me, and everything has just felt so empty since you've been gone. I miss my husband.

Be safe. I'll have everything ready when you get home, I promise. I love you with all my heart. Goodnight.

Day 76

Spent today working on the house... One of those days that I wish you were here to help. I could use your muscles. ;)

I can't wait for you to get home, babe. We miss you so much. I've got a ton of reading to catch up on (you're kicking my butt on this book, for once) so I'm going to head to bed and read. We love you. Goodnight.

Day 75

Hi daddy! Guess who?!? It's Shelby! You couldn't guesses could you? I'm sneaky. :) My ears is itchin again so mommy is making me take that pink pill. She thinks she is hidin it in peanut butters, but I'm not dumb. I knows it's there...I just likes peanut butters. I misses you daddy. When you comin home? I wub you. Bye.

Hi, daddee. It's Sadie Mae. I been a good girl. I swears. I misses you. It's been snowin today. Bleck. I don't like the snows cuz I has short legs. I can't even potty wifout my butt getting cold in the snows. Is it cold where you are? I wish I could comes to see you. You've been at work for a long time now, Daddee. When does you get a day off so we can cuddles? I fink I made mommy cry last night. She was layin in bed readin, and I went and layed on her neck like I always do when you is kissin mommy nite nite. I don't know why she cried though. I guess I scratched hers neck. I kissed her and said I was sorry, Daddee. I love you Daddee. Be careful and I'll be waitin right here by the door for you.

Hi daddy it's me Flint. I is just sitting here giving cuddles to mommy. I cuddles wif her all the time now that you isn't here. If I'm not givin mommy cuddles than I is prolly licking the floor to see if sister dropped some food. I has been a really good boy though since you has been gone. I has only had two accidents the whole time! Is you proud of me daddy?? I is tryin to be mommy's bestest friend so she don't get sad. She loves me. I misses you daddy. Be carefuls ok, and will you brings me a toy? Thank you daddy. I loves you. Bye.

I miss you daddy. Please come home because the brother and sisters are getting on my nerves. Oh yeah, it's Kahne, daddy. It's been warmer outside, so I can go out more to catch goblins. I scares them and they scatters and runs away before I can catch them though. I'll catch them before you gets home though, daddy. I promise. Mommy says I should sneaks attacks, but that isn't how you teached me. She don't know what she's talking about anyways. She's just a girl. I wub you daddy. I mees you. Is it times for you to come home soon please? Wub you. Bye.


They love you, babe, and so do I. We miss you. Be safe over there. Finish this mission and come home to us. We'll be waiting. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 74

Ok, ok. I promised the puppies tonight that they could write to you, but I'm going to have them hold on another day...Mama has some things to say.

First off, you know I love you. Completely, unconditionally, whole-heartedly, fully... And however many other adverbs you'd like to throw in there that mean a whole heck of a lot.

Secondly, I have never been both so physically and emotionally dependent on one person. I'm a pretty tough chick. I can fix plumbing problems, re-tile a bathroom, hang drywall, change a shower head, fix the car and paint the house. And I can do all that in heels. My Daddy taught me how to take care of myself. My Mama taught me to be nice, how to cook... And how to walk in heels and not fall on my face. I'm also tough enough to know when I don't have to be strong, and I know that I don't have to be strong with you. I need you. And it takes a tough chick to let down the walls enough to admit that.

Next, I'd like to state, for the record, that you are my partner. I know I don't have to ask you about everything I buy or do, but I want your approval. I want you to be aware of and ok with things. I want you to be included in the decisions that I make from half a world away. Everything that I do while you are deployed still effects you, and I want you to be proud of the way I have conducted myself while you are gone. Even though I don't wear that uniform everyday the way that you do, I still represent you, and the military, and I try my hardest not to do anything that might reflect poorly on either of you.

Finally, you have the hardest job that I could ever imagine doing, so it is my job to support you... And I take my job very seriously. I am here to lift you up, respect you, love you, miss you, welcome you home, stand beside you, cry when you leave, hold it together when it starts falling apart, keep things running, and always have your back. I will do all of those things because it's my job, but I will do it all with a smile on my face because I love you. I am so incredibly proud of you. You are a wonderful man, and I thank the Lord everyday for blessing my life by giving me you to walk beside.

I just needed you to hear all that. I love you, soldier. Goodnight.

Day 73

So I totally don't have much today....
But, Jenn and I watched Breaking Dawn tonight, and it was really good. Soooo much better than the others. I'm actually excited for part 2 to come out.

I love you with all my heart. Be safe, my love, and I will see you soon. I miss you and can't wait until I'm back in your arms. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 72

A picture is worth a thousand words, right? Well, during the days when I worry more than usual, or maybe when I haven't heard from you in a while, I keep a picture in my heart. Even though what you are doing on this tour may have nothing to do with this picture, it gives me courage enough to get through the day and know that you are making a difference. You're my hero and I love you.

Day 71/ Week 11

Ok. I'm over it. If I have to see snow for another minute, I may lose it. We have had snow on the ground since October. October, people, so no sniveling in Kentucky about a long winter....I have a weather app, and I know you are flat out lying. 55 degrees is not cold. -55 degrees, on the other hand, is cold. Get over yourselves. Lol

I'm kidding. At least it's finally warmed up to zero. Lol

The UPS man brought my replacement Scentsy incentive warmer today. He rang the doorbell. I almost jumped out of my skin. Seriously. I hate it when that doorbell rings. The dogs go nuts, I get scratched, my hands go numb, my heart beats out of my chest... It's awful. I'm seriously considering putting a sign up that says something like "Unless you have news or gifts, don't ring this bell. Otherwise, text me so I don't release the attack dogs." You think that could work? Yeah, I doubt it, too.

I love you, babe. I'm gonna finish up a few things and head to bed. You're my shining star, and I don't want to live without you. Please be safe and come home soon. I miss you. Goodnight.

Day 70 (10 weeks down!)

Today is Monday for you, which means tomorrow is Tuesday, and you should know more about your profile!

I cleaned today, vacuumed the entire house, and gave all four dogs a bath (not an easy task) before heading to Jenn's for dinner and a movie. And now I'm home and getting ready to start my workout.

The Aurora was out tonight, and it was beautiful. I'll certainly miss that when we leave Alaska. I think it makes me feel closer to you...

I love you to the moon and back. You're my hero and my best friend. Be safe, be smart, stay dry. I miss you, baby. All my love, goodnight.

Day 69

Today was a pretty great day. Since I started using the checklist that we made before you left (and I finally got the printer working again), I've been better able to stay on top of things in small doses instead of getting overwhelmed. Next week's project: the arctic room closet.... Dun dun dunnnnn.

Today's race was awesome! One of the best I think I've ever seen.

I think I ticked off a few people on Facebook today, which wasn't my intention, but I can't please everyone, I guess. On the positive side of that post, a very funny lady who writes a military spouse comic strip "liked" my status, and that made me smile....wonder if she reads my blogs?! ;)

Tomorrow is doggie bath day, but don't tell Kahne. You know how he runs and hides. I'll never get him out of the kennel.

I love you and miss you. Please hurry home, it's lonely here without you. Be safe. Goodnight.

Day 68

Well, that was a productive day. I managed to go to the EFMP appointment, grocery shop, workout twice, have Jenn over for dinner, cut the dogs nails AND do the dishes. And now it's 2am and I'm wide awake. Figures. Lol

The puppies say "hi" and they miss you. Sadie sat by the front door for about an hour this evening. She was waiting on you. It breaks my heart to see her do that, because I completely understand how she feels. Sometimes I feel like sitting by the door to wait for you, too.

I lost a family member today. He was such a sweet man. I knew when Mom called me at almost 1am, her time, that something was wrong. I also knew when I told you that you'd ask if I wanted to go home. I love you so much. Thank you for always having my six.

I go to bed tonight with prayers for loved ones and a heavy heart, but knowing that I now have another angel in my corner. I love you, and miss you. Nights like this are the hardest, but I'll make it through. I know you are thinking of me, and that gives me peace. Stay safe and smart. I love you, soldier. Goodnight.

Day 67

Today, I just want you to know how incredibly proud I am of you. Not only are you a wonderful soldier, but you are an amazing man. I'm so happy to be your wife.

I'm looking forward to finding out where this journey of life will lead us. I've got your six. Always.

I love you, goodnight.

Day 66

So I took about a week off of working out to let my foot heal... And I felt it tonight, believe me. Ouch.

I'm supposed to have an appointment with EFMP either tomorrow or Friday morning at 10, and I can't remember which it is, so I guess I'll have to call over there in the morning and ask. Ugh. I hate when I don't write things down. It drives me nuts... And if that appointment is all that could keep us from getting orders out of Alaska, I'm certainly not going to miss it.

I got a box from Mom and Dad and Aunt Donna today. Some fleece PJs (yay!) and post its, dog treats and a gift for you.

Went to see The Vow with Jenn today. Great movie, and yes, I cried... But I'm the idiot who cried during the happy parts because they made me miss you even more. AND I forgot my Kleenex. What was I thinking?!?

I love you, and miss you so much. I'm kinda tired of this whole deployment thing, so if we could get to praying for world peace, that'd be great. I need you. I know your duty is there, but we miss you. Be safe, soldier. All my love, goodnight.


PS- If I ever suffer from amnesia, make me read these letters to you. ;) That girl in the movie should have kept a journal. Lol

Day 65

So glad I finally got to hear your voice tonight. I'm can't explain how soothing it is to my soul.

The best part of today, besides talking to you, is that I didn't feel like the fact that I was alone on Valentine's Day was thrown in my face all day. I had family call and friends text to check on me, which was nice, but I'm fine... You're my Valentine every single day, and today gone just means that I'm one day closer to you being home.

I love you. The puppies send wags and kisses. They love you, too. We miss you so very much. Muah. Goodnight, Valentine.

Day 64

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

You are the meatball on my spaghetti, the cheese to my macaroni, the Romeo to my Juliet (with a happier ending).

I miss you!!! Please hurry home... It sucks here without you. I love you with all my heart, and can't wait to see you again. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 63

You've been gone two months, today.

Two years ago, today, I boarded a plane to Alaska... Never imagining how much my life would change.

I remember thinking about ripples in a pond when I was little... About how one pebble starts a chain reaction of ripples that would continue on forever if they didn't reach the shore. Getting on that plane was the pebble... And I'd toss it again in a heartbeat.

I love you. Keep that with you. I'll talk to you soon. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 62

What a lame day. My foot hurts and I literally only got to talk to you for about 30 seconds. I miss you.

I just don't even have anything positive to say tonight, so I'm gonna go read a book.

I love you. You're my everything. Goodnight, soldier. Praying that you're ok tonight.

Day 61

So I called this morning to make an appointment for my heel pain... And they couldn't fit me in for three weeks, so they suggested I go to the ER. Now let me explain to everyone who isn't Nate for a moment, that the ER on an Army post is not only an Emergency Room, but also an after-hours sort of clinic. I still hate going. I hate going to the ER when I don't feel like its an emergency...however, my husband's job gives me the benefit of health care, so when I'm sick or hurt, I use it.

I went. Actually, Jenn and I went. Luckily, she understands that no one wants to sit there for hours upon end alone, so she was my moral support for the evening.

Anyway, I'm supposed to ice and elevate. No bone damage that they can find, luckily, but she said it could take a while to heal. *Sigh*

I miss you bunches and love you more. Can't wait for you to be home. Sleep safe, and I'll find you tonight in my dreams. I love you. Goodnight.

Day 60

What I live for.... See below.

I love you, Nate. Goodnight. Muah

Day 59

So, give or take a couple weeks, we are almost halfway through this deployment. While I realize that this means that you will be home relatively soon, when I think of it being only halfway over, it feels like an eternity. Let me try to explain what I mean....

I can think of you being gone another 8 or 9 weeks, and for me, that's manageable. Two months, although its around the same time frame, feels longer than that to me. But halfway? That just makes me feel awful. Halfway feels like I have to relive everyday that you've been gone...and that feels like forever. 'Halfway' means I'm looking back instead of moving forward, it means I'm repeating what we've been through instead of looking ahead to what is coming.... And what the future holds for us. I'm so excited for you to come home, and 'halfway' doesn't do that justice.

I miss you so much and I love you with every bit of my soul. You are the reason that I want to get out of bed in the mornings, and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. Be safe. Be smart. Come home soon. I need you.

Goodnight, soldier.

Day 58

Another day down, baby.... One day closer to having you in my arms. One day closer to seeing your face.

I miss you more than I can ever explain. Sometimes in the evenings, I think about the things we would have done today, or the conversations we would have had if you were here. Would it have been a good day, or a tough one?

Tonight we had good Internet service. I can't remember the last time I could actually see you talking to me, instead of a still picture once every 30 seconds or so. I'm not complaining... I'll take still shots if that's all I can have, but it's nice to see you actually moving around and smiling.

The kiddos and I are headed to bed. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to you not being here to kiss me goodnight, and bedtime is the hardest for me. I try to go quick and not think too much about it, but I usually end up lying awake for a while.

I love you to the moon and back. Sleep safe, and I'll be thinking of you. All my love, goodnight.

Day 57/Week 9

It's hard for me to fathom that you've been gone 8 full weeks. It seems so much shorter when you count the weeks, as opposed to days... But believe me, it feels like an eternity.

Jenn came over tonight for our weekly Bachelor viewing. We always sit and talk after the show for a while about those random things that we go through that spouses outside of this life will never understand. The reality is that we face things as part of our normal lives and conversation that others will only imagine in their worst nightmares.

How many times before you left did we start discussions with the words "I know this is not something you ever want to talk about, but we have to..."? Those are the worst, and they make me cry, but it's part of our life together. Bizarre part about that is that it brings us closer together.

It's kind of the same with the wives. We have a common ground that we will always share. Sure, our relationships with our husbands are different, but we know the same loneliness, the difficulties, the heartbreak. Just as you have your battle buddies, I have mine. We fight a different war, and we are just as ready as you are for that war to end. The sweetest part of deployment for us, is the day your boots hit US soil. We just want you all to come home... That's when we can lay down our armor.

Around my neck I wear your dog tags and your wedding ring. I will wear them until you take them from me. They are a constant reminder that you are always with me, and that this is only temporary... And it IS only temporary. We're almost halfway through this mess of a first deployment! The Lord will see us through this, and we are already stronger and more in love because of it.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. There isn't a five minute period that passes when I don't think of at least three things I want to tell you... And of course, by the time I talk to you, I've forgotten most of them. You carry all of my heart with you. Please keep it safe. I love you more with each breath I take. Be smart.

Goodnight, soldier. I'll see you in my dreams tonight. I love you.

Day 56

Wow. It's late.

Shelby bout gave me a heart attack this morning. I think she was sleepwalking. She fell straight over in the middle of the floor and I swear I thought she was dead. I was screaming. It was awful, but she just looked up at me like "Mom, why you yelling?" Scared me to death.

You surprised me mid-day with a couple minutes to chat. It was wonderful and unexpected. I love you so much. It made my day. :)

The Super Bowl was tonight, but I didn't watch. Pittsburgh wasn't playing, and it's just not the same without you here....

I love you, babe. The pups say hi. Hurry home before Shelby starts to think it's funny to scare the crap out of Mommy. ;)

Goodnight, soldier. Sleep safe. I love you.

Day 55

So to tell you a bit more about yesterday.... Jenn and I went to see The Woman in Black and then we went and had our nails done. While we were out, it snowed about 4 inches on top of what I couldn't shovel the day before.

Today, well, I made an attempt at shoveling the snow, but it just kept blowing around so I called it a day. I watch UK dominate, went to the grocery, played with the kiddos, worked out... Now I'm just waiting to talk to you.

I miss you, baby. You are the light of my life. I'm not sure what I would do without you, so you have to be safe. I love you more than I can express. I hope to hear from you soon.

Goodnight, my love.

Day 54

I'm not feeling very well tonight... Too little sleep and too much movie popcorn, I think.

I'm so glad that you loved the video, baby. I'd have stayed awake for a week to make it for you, just to know that it touched you.

I'll go over more of my day today when I write tomorrow's blog. Sorry. Just not feeling great and I need to go to sleep.

I love you so much. I have you in my prayers, and I'll meet you in my dreams. Goodnight, my love.

Video

I did a video of pictures from home for you. I love you, babe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAwGYZEl7Bs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Day 53

So it warmed up to about zero today, and I had the brilliant idea to go shovel the driveway out of the polar blanket that had accumulated over the past month. What. A. Disaster.

15 minutes in I had managed to shovel a two foot wide path from the road to the garage door. 35 minutes and I had cleared a path from in front of the explorer to the front door. One hour in gave me 2/3 of the driveway.

I went inside after an hour to warm up. My scarf was frozen. My hat was frozen. My gloves were frozen. And I had burned 340 calories.

I went back out after an hour to try and finish. Unfortunately, Anywhere there has been tires is packed down and unwilling to move for me. I am, however, proud to announce that there is no longer a foot of snow in our driveway.... More like three inches of non-budging, severely packed snow that can stay until it decides to melt. I can now get into the garage, take out the trash cans, and dance in the driveway if I desire without sinking to my knees in snow. :)

All I can say about that is ouch. Ouch. Major Owie. My back is already stiff and I have a feeling that my arms will be immobile tomorrow, but at least it is finished... Until we get more snow anyway. *sigh*

I can't wait to talk to you tonight. I look forward to it so much that becomes the highlight of my days. I love you, babe, and can't wait for you to be here with us. You are my sunshine....

Goodnight. I love you.

Day 52

I had a pretty good day today. My good day started with you... Thank you for making time to chat with me for a minute this morning.

Jenn and I ran around town all day and managed to get a few errands finished, then we had our weekly "Bachelor" session which always involves a ton of laughs. I think maybe these girls got a double dose of crazy for this season, and it may be rubbing off on Bachelor Ben.

That's about all I have for today... Just waiting to talk to you. I miss your face. I REALLY miss your face. I love you, soldier. Goodnight.

Day 51

I love being able to talk to you. I know we don't get much time, but when we do, well, it just makes my heart smile. I love every minute of being your wife, and I wouldn't trade a moment... Not even the hard ones.

I know you down-play a lot of things so that I worry less. I'm sure you get far fewer warm showers than you tell me. I know the tent that you're sleeping in has to be freezing if you sleep in a sweatshirt, sweatpants and under a blanket. I also know that there are things that have happened that you can't tell me about...yet. But I know why you do it. And even though I would give anything to be with you right now, you do this so that I don't have to, and so I worry a little less than I should.

Thank you. Thank you for being my hero. You amaze me every single day, and I love you more than the world.

Goodnight, my love. I'll meet you in my dreams.

Day 50

Hi daddy! It's Kahne! I miss you sooo much. I been doin good tho. I's a good boy, cuz Mommy said so. It's really cold here and I don't like to go outside, but I still drive Mommy nuts pacing back and forths to the door. I love you Daddy. Please call soon. Kisses.

Hi Daddys. It's Flint and I loves you and misses you. Mommy said that you was scared that I wouldn't be a daddy's boy no more, but you don't has to worry abouts that. I loves you. I'll always be a daddy's boy okay? I gotta go lick the floor now but I'll talk to you soon. I wub you!

I loves you, Daddy. It's me, Sadie Mae. I been wearing my outfits like I tolds you I would so I can practice for bein Miss Americas when I gets bigger. I priss around the house just like those pretty girls did on the tv. Mommy said I would win the talent contest because I can do my spin and sit down really well now. I love you do much Daddy. Be carefuls over theres. You misses us? Because I sure misses you. Love you Daddy, bye bye.

Daddee, it's Shelby. I loves you a bunch. I been taking care of Mommy. We works out together. She has this brown squishy that she lays on and I lays on it too. She says I's doin yogurt. I likes yogurt. It's fun. But I don't think it's makin me no skinnier like it is mommy. That's ok tho. I don't needs to be skinny. Hurry home before mommy gets all upsets again ok? We misses you a lot, but I'm tryin to be tough for her. I love you daddy. Be safe.

I can't believe it's been 50 days since I have seen that handsome face. I miss you so much babe. Tonight is one of those tough nights, and I have no clue what makes some more difficult than others. Please be safe and smart. Keep your gun clean. Keep your chin up and your head down, and stay focused on your mission. I'm holding down the fort while you are gone, and I love you more than you can ever know.

Goodnight, soldier. All my love is with you.

Day 49

So today I got up, washed dishes, took out the trash, vacuumed the carpet, shampooed the carpet (wish you had been here for that), cleaned out the fridge (eww), hung out with Jenn, did my week 1 pics and measurements, and now I'm waiting to talk to you. :)

I'm so excited about the differences I'm noticing since starting this workout program. I usually burn out quickly because it takes so long to notice results... But not this time. I can't wait for you to get home so you can see the change! :)

I miss you so much, my love. It's so hard to be here without you. Some days I feel like I drag around this weight of sadness that I just can't shrug off my shoulders. Everything is just heavy on those days. Staying busy certainly helps, and I have plenty to keep me that way. I just miss you.

I love you with all my heart. Be safe. Come home to me soon... I'll be right here waiting. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 48

I can remember reading something a while back about a mother in law who said to her son's wife during deployment, "If something happens to him, you can find another husband... But I can't have another son."

The thought of someone ever saying that to one of my fellow military spouses makes me want to scream. The fact that I witnessed something very similar today, made me want to throw up (p.s. don't read too much into this, I haven't even spoken to my MIL today).

How can anyone EVER claim to know someone else's feelings or love for another person?? I'm sorry babe, but I'm going to rant for a minute.

I love you with every ounce of my heart. I really don't care who knows that, nor do I care what they think or feel about it. END of STORY. Do people not realize what they say? How can people be so insensitive and chauvinistic to believe that they can know what mine or anyone else's heart feels? Do people think that belittling someone else's feelings, proves that they hold more love for someone? I had to pick my jaw up from the floor. And I pray that nothing like that is ever said to another person. Rant over.

This was going to be a letter from the puppies, but they are upset, too, so they said they would try and write tomorrow instead.

It's been really, reallllllyyyy cold. -50 today. No fun.

I love you so much, and don't ever doubt that. Please take care, babe. You're my best friend and the love of my life. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 47

I can't eat that much. I can't do it. There is no way that I can eat a healthy 1200 net calories a day. If I throw in a piece of cheesecake? Yes. But I really don't think that will help me accomplish my booty goals. It's frustrating. So I am refusing to stress about it. I'll do the best I can, work out, and I'm sure it will be fine.

Anyway. I miss you. It's been a good day... But I always look forward to hearing your voice before bed. It's the best part of the day for me. I'm excited to get you home and I can't wait to be back in your arms. It seems like I find something new every day that I miss about you.... Today I miss the way that you let the pups cuddle all over you. I think they miss that, too.

Please be safe, and if you ever need a hug, just put your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right, and squeeze. I promise that I'll be thinking of you right at that moment. I'm always with you.

I love you so much, baby. You are my hero. Goodnight, my love.

Day 46

I was so happy to hear your voice last night that I nearly jumped up and down with excitement. I think I may have actually squealed when my phone rang.

Anyway, it was a pretty good day here. Worked out twice already and I'm geared up to go to the gym with you tonight, too. I swear I will be an even hotter version of you're hot wife when you get home. ;) I'm determined.

So I didn't realize that I had to eat 1200 NET calories a day. That's 1200 after the ones I burn working out. That's a lot of food for me. I'm not exactly sure that I can eat that much that isn't junk. I tried today, but it's really difficult.

Anyway. I love you bunches. We miss you and can't wait for you to come home. Be careful over there. Goodnight.

Day 45

I hate this. I hate days when I can't talk to you.

I woke up this morning after working until 2am, ready to start my day with you. I didn't get the usual "Hey, baby! How did you sleep?" No response.

I thought, "Ok, the Internet is down... I'll go back to sleep for a while."

Thirty minutes later, nothing. An hour later, still nothing. At noon I woke up and started bawling for no reason.

I know that I drive myself crazy when this happens. I know. But knowing that if it's not just an Internet blip, something has happened for them to shut down communication, is the worst kind of fear. I carry it around. It's like a ghost that will haunt me until I hear your voice.

And I am sure you are fine. I know that you are tough, and I know that you will protect yourself because I depend on you. But now I'm left with the awful "Please don't let it be Nate," prayers that leave me feeling guilty, because if someone has given their life for my freedom, I'm praying that it's someone else's husband, or son, or father, and that prayer is no comfort to me.

So I pray for your safety, and your courage, as well as my own courage and strength. I know that if you could call right now you would tell me that you're fine. To stop worrying because you promised you'd be careful. That you love me and can't wait to come home.

But these are the worst days. I hate these.

I understand why you love being a soldier. I understand that you want to make this world a little more safe for myself, and our children and grandchildren. You have one of the strongest senses of duty that I have ever seen, and I take great pride in calling you my husband.

G.K. Chesterson said, "The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” I know this is true for you. And this quote always makes me cry.

I love you, soldier. I love that you are willing to do what it takes to make this country and my life better. I love that you will always be able to stand tall and proud because you do what most only talk about. I love your faith in God and your faith in me. And I love your heart. Thank you for loving mine.

I pray to hear from you soon. All my love.

Day 44

I love and miss you. More than you know.

Day 43 / Week 7

I hate it when a day starts out really well, then turns all ugly and weird.

Missing you a lot tonight. The lonely is creeping in. Turned on all the lights , but it's not really helping.

I love you. 6 weeks down....

Be careful over there, please. Hugs and kisses. Goodnight, Soldier.

Day 42

Let the two-a-day workouts begin! I feel pretty good about this morning's, and I'm ready to go to the gym with you tonight (Nate and I "go to the gym" together every night.... It keeps us on a schedule and keeps us closer).

I'm excited. I took my "before" pics tonight, and weighed in. All that's left tomorrow after it gets here is measurements. I'm stoked to see how it all turns out!

Anyway. Love you bunches, goodnight!

Day 41

I'm coining a new phrase today. Deployment codependency/connectivity. This would be the state of being so emotionally connected or dependent on another person that their mood dictates your own.

You and I are typically like this....maybe most married couples are, but it's much more intense when your entire day is made or broken on a phone call. I know that we both do the absolute best we can, but we both have bad days and days that are better. On the bad days, it's hard for the other person to shake that funk as easily.

Every single day, I look forward to talking to you. If that conversation doesn't go perfectly, I worry. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway.

I'm not sure anyone outside the military life knows what that's like.... Telling you that I love you at the beginning of the conversation instead of the end, in case the phone cuts off.... Knowing that if you are stressed, you can't tell me why... And in reality, although neither of us wants to admit it, that this phone call could be our last. We always try to leave things on a positive note, but if I sense stress, or if you're simply having a bad day, I don't do well until we talk again.

And I know it's not your fault... I have bad days, too, I just find it interesting that someone 5,000 miles away can effect my mood so entirely. I also know a large part of this is that I love you and when you are happy, I am happy, and when you aren't, I want to fix it.

Regardless of our moods, I love you more each day. I cannot imagine my life without you in it, and I think of you every moment. Take care of yourself and come home soon. I love you so very much. Goodnight.

Day 40

What a day.

The neighbors were at it again at 4am. I woke up to Shelby standing over me in the bed, growling. She was really upset, and I can't blame her...it sounds like they are tearing the walls down.

Then Flint puked on my foot. In bed.

I had heartburn all night, no idea why.

On FB this morning, some chick posted that she wanted to send her husband (in Afghanistan) an edible arrangement. An edible arrangement is fruit cut into flower shapes on a stick. Thank goodness someone informed her that you can't send fruit overseas before I was able to ask her why in the heck someone would want to eat two week old moldy fruit, even if you could send it?!? Stupid people....

Truck was unplugged when I went out to start it. Thank God it started after a few hours of being plugged in.

Went to Walmart and parked normally. When I came out, an idiot in a huge jacked-up Dodge had parked so close to my door that I had to climb in through the passenger side. Best part is that she was sitting in the truck the entire time. I honked my horn and gave her a not so friendly wave on the way out.

Took a nap.

Babysat. Ariana screamed the first two hours she was here. I tried everything. Poor thing. I have no idea what was wrong. The only time she stopped crying was to eat. It broke my heart.

So thankful that I got to talk to you at the end of the day. No matter how bad my day has been, I'm sure yours was worse, but you unfailingly warm my mood. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe without you, other times I feel like I have to breathe because of you. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me. All my heart, soldier. Goodnight.

Day 39

We chatted for a long time last night, and by the time I made it to bed, the blog had totally slipped my mind.

I knew you would notice, but when I woke up at 4am from an awful dream that reminded me I had forgotten, I didn't think many others would be effected by my miss. I was mistaken.
I was humbled today to learn that several people follow my ramblings to you...more than I would have imagined. I thought most would lose interest when I started this, but it seems that I was wrong.

I know that you are writing to me as well, and I can't wait to read your letters. You and I have spoken several times about, but I can't remember mentioning it here, printing these and combining them with yours when you come home...as our love story. Hopefully our children will want to look back at these one day and see how much in love their parents were.

It was warmer here today, although not by much. It's -31 as I'm writing this. I had to go out and rescue Flint and Shelby from the ice monster today. He tricked them...made them think it was warmer this morning, then pulled the proverbial blanket off this evening. It has dropped 15 degrees in 3 hours.

They're all fine, though. Nice and toasty on the couch, my lap or by the heater, depending on which one you're looking for...

The neighbors are starting to drive me nuts. The beating and banging on the walls starts about 11pm and ends around 4am. It gets the dogs worked up, and when they get worked up, I get nervous. I may start getting up around 0630 and learn how to play the drums. Maybe that will make them rethink their volume control. ;)

Anyway, I will talk to you very soon, my love. You're always in my heart, and you have the biggest piece of me there with you. We love you to the moon and back, and miss you just as much. You're our hero.

Goodnight, soldier.

Day 38 1/2

I'm sorry!!!

I'm sorry! I fell asleep and forgot. I was totally bummed about it and even had a nightmare that included Nate's safety being compromised because I forgot to blog.

I will do better. I promise. ;)

Keep reading. Hugs.

~Steph

Day 37

Is it sad that I get excited over every FRG email that mentions reintegration? My heart actually skips a beat at the thought of you coming home. I feel sorry for those couples who will never know that feeling...the feeling of a deployment homecoming. I'm excited, nervous, scared and overjoyed.... And it's still months away! :)

I miss you so much, babe. Sometimes it feels like years since you left... And other times, minutes. The worst is when I wake up dreaming you are here... I can taste the disappointment when the reality sets in. It scares the puppies, I think, when I sit up in bed looking for you like that. They get confused, then they start looking for you, too. Breaks my heart.

I woke up to Kahne licking my face at 4am a few days ago. I'm not sure if I was talking in my sleep or crying, but he was taking care of me in the only way he knew how. We have such good babies.

The Bachelor is getting super dramatic already this season.... You're going to crack up watching it. The Walking Dead should be starting again soon, but I'll save those to watch with you. I don't think you will miss many other shows... Maybe SYTYCD, but if you do, I'll save those, too.

I already feel better on our little health kick. Glad we finally got to where we needed to be with that. We will get there. I can feel it.

Ok baby, I'm going to bed. I love you to the moon and back. Sleep safe, be careful, and keep your weapon clean. Love you, goodnight, soldier.

Day 36/week 6

5 weeks down!
We're through the first month, my love!! I know it's been rough, but we are getting there. We have so many plans and fun times to look forward to when you get home, that these next months will fly.

I left the tv on in the bedroom last night, and forgot to turn it off this morning. It was on NatGeo as I was getting ready for bed. Noticing that made me smile because I know how much you love that channel... And then I noticed what was on NatGeo... A documentary on Bin Ladin's death. It was so intriguing that I stopped and watched. I just sat down on the foot of the bed and stared at the tv.

It was showing IR footage of the raid that night, and footage the next day of the compound on small cameras like the one you have with you. Crazy.

It took me back to the night in May when we watched the President report Bin Laden's death on tv. I cried as you stood with your arm around me. This deployment had just begun... I was so relieved that the horrid man was dead, but frozen in worry for all of our friends. I knew you wished you were over there that night, but I said a prayer of thanks that you weren't.

That was much more of an emotional night for me than I would have ever imagined. I was terrified. I could almost hear the sighs of relief from around the country.... But it almost felt like the nightmare was just beginning for us. I guess that with my life rotating within and around the military, I just look at and feel things differently now.

Taliban is a household word now, but for most people it's not used much anymore. For me, I hear that word in my mind multiple times a day. While they may be an organization that hit us on our home turf 10 years ago, and we killed their leader, they are not to be pushed to the back of our minds.

I wish I had the luxury of forgetting about them. I wish you did, too, but I guess it is you that provide that luxury of forgetting for so many others. I'm thankful that what you do over there allows others to sleep easy, and I know that you never do. Sleep easy, that is.

I love you so very much. I live each day looking forward to the day I will see your face again, and throw my arms around you. I catch myself daydreaming about your homecoming.

We miss you. Be safe, soldier. All my love, Goodnight.