Day 45

I hate this. I hate days when I can't talk to you.

I woke up this morning after working until 2am, ready to start my day with you. I didn't get the usual "Hey, baby! How did you sleep?" No response.

I thought, "Ok, the Internet is down... I'll go back to sleep for a while."

Thirty minutes later, nothing. An hour later, still nothing. At noon I woke up and started bawling for no reason.

I know that I drive myself crazy when this happens. I know. But knowing that if it's not just an Internet blip, something has happened for them to shut down communication, is the worst kind of fear. I carry it around. It's like a ghost that will haunt me until I hear your voice.

And I am sure you are fine. I know that you are tough, and I know that you will protect yourself because I depend on you. But now I'm left with the awful "Please don't let it be Nate," prayers that leave me feeling guilty, because if someone has given their life for my freedom, I'm praying that it's someone else's husband, or son, or father, and that prayer is no comfort to me.

So I pray for your safety, and your courage, as well as my own courage and strength. I know that if you could call right now you would tell me that you're fine. To stop worrying because you promised you'd be careful. That you love me and can't wait to come home.

But these are the worst days. I hate these.

I understand why you love being a soldier. I understand that you want to make this world a little more safe for myself, and our children and grandchildren. You have one of the strongest senses of duty that I have ever seen, and I take great pride in calling you my husband.

G.K. Chesterson said, "The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” I know this is true for you. And this quote always makes me cry.

I love you, soldier. I love that you are willing to do what it takes to make this country and my life better. I love that you will always be able to stand tall and proud because you do what most only talk about. I love your faith in God and your faith in me. And I love your heart. Thank you for loving mine.

I pray to hear from you soon. All my love.