Day 81 Happy Halloween, Daddy!

Daddy, my pumpkin (that mommy and Aunt Donna and Uncle Rudy made) won first place in the contest!! Isn't it cute? Maybe when I'm 3, if I have a little sister, she can dress as Boo and I can be Sully. 

We miss you and wish you were here!

Be safe, Daddy. I love you! 

Love, Cale. 

Day 80

My husband (holding the sign) and I have a friend who is fighting a serious battle. To show their support, some of the soldiers from 1st Battalion, 6th Field Artillery Regiment, Alpha Battery, currently deployed to Afghanistan, joined him by shaving their heads to show their support. One group of heroes supporting another hero. I'm proud that our son has this man to emulate. Annie, you are in our prayers. 

Day 66

My sweet 6 month old misses his daddy. 

Day 58

I've spent a lot of the morning praying. I've thanked God for keeping you safe... Keeping us safe, and asking him to continue to do so. 

Sometimes the stress of all of this really gets to me. My shoulders and my back are aching today from carrying the tension. I forget that I don't have any control over this... HE does. I forget to let go. I cry. I get angry when I know it doesn't help. I'm human. 

I know my stress can't even touch what you must be feeling. Just know that we are safe, fed and warm and that I will take care of Cale and myself. I promise to not let anything bad happen to us. I promise that I will always have your back, and I promise that I will do whatever I can to make our time apart easier on you. I promise to pray. 

I miss you. Cale misses you. We love you more than we can ever express. Keep your head down and your weapon clean, and come home safe. You are our hero. Take care of yourself, soldier. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

Day 15/ week 3

Ok. I'm slacking on this. I'm sorry. There's a lot to juggle, and if I'm going to drop a ball, looks like it will be this one.

Part of me is shocked that you've only been gone two weeks... The other part of me can't believe it's gone by so quickly. I've felt every moment, though.

I know you're exhausted, and my heart aches for you. This is going to be a hard deployment, made even worse by the fact that you have Cale to miss now, as well. Don't worry, babe. He's safe and happy, but he feels your absence, just as I do.

He can roll and roll and roll over now... All the way across the floor if he tries. He uses the walker to chase the dogs, and he's getting pretty good with it. He can throw it in reverse and do a turn about without crashing into anything. If he wants to go fast, he uses both feet together and does this sort of hop-push thing. It's funny. I love watching him figure things out, and sometimes he gets this look on his face that totally reminds me of you. He's developing this serious side now, too, that's really cute. He's 6 months old today.

I went for a run Sunday night... First run since April. I did two miles at a 13:36 pace. I felt pretty good about it, but man, was I sore yesterday. Ouch. It's ok, though. I'll take sore over chunky any day... Gotta lose these last few pounds of baby weight. :)

There's not a moment that goes by when you aren't in our thoughts. Keep focused on your mission and stay safe. We are waiting (not so) patiently. We love you, soldier.

Day 11

Shew! It's really difficult to do this daily when Cale takes up so much time... And when he goes to bed, I go to bed because I'm wiped out. I'm going to shoot for a 3-4 times a week blog, and if I hit that goal, we will call it a success.

Ok... What do I need to tell you?

Cale had a nightmare last night. He was in his crib, kind of whining/moaning. I let him go for a minute or so, but then I started to get nervous that he was having trouble breathing, so I got up to check on him. I did my normal checks without waking him... No diaper leak, not squirming, but he kept moaning so I picked him up. He stayed asleep, but started crying like his heart was breaking. I woke him up then. I couldn't stand it. When he opened his eyes, he looked around and then clung to me for at least 10 minutes, crying off and on. It broke my heart. If it wasn't a nightmare, then I have no idea what it could have been. Poor, sweet boy. He seems totally fine now, though.

Yesterday, we were watching the video of you reading his book. When you started reading, he got so excited! He was flapping his arms and yelled "Da!" really loudly. It was precious, and I wish I could have gotten it on video. He misses you.

The puppies are good. They're behaving for the most part, but they have their moments.

Everyone here says hi and sends their love.

I miss you so much, and I love you to pieces. Be safe and stay out of the sand if you can. We are praying for you and I'll meet you in my dreams. Can't wait to kiss you again.

Stay focused and keep your weapon clean. All our love. Bye, baby.

Day 8/Week 2

I MISS YOU!!!!
That was a scream, in case you missed it.

This weekend I managed to get a lot done around the house, so forgive me for not writing. I was exhausted.

Cale didn't sleep much last night, so I'm tired today, too. I could totally use a nap, but he doesn't seem to be in a napping mood... But the pups are always ready for a nap. ;)

Khaleesi is getting big. She's almost as big as Flint now. They're all being good.

I'd fly all the way around the world for a hug today... Just thought you should know. We love you to the moon and back and can't wait until we are back in your arms.

Be safe. Love you.

Day 5

Cale and I napped a lot today. It was a treat for me because I just let him sleep in my arms. I know he'll be too big for that soon, so I'm soaking it up while I can. Our sweet, sweet boy.

Ugh. I miss you so much. The house just seems so empty without you here. I'm eventually going to have to put away your clean clothes... And then it will really hit me. It's kind of funny that laundry is the last emotional straw.

Everyone here says "hi" and sends lots of love.

Be safe, babe. One step closer...

Goodnight.

Day 4

I finished my shoes!! I'll post pics at the end of tonight's blog. I love them.

I know you made it to your destination today, and I'm thankful for that. Being able to focus on your mission will make the days go faster.

We went to Marly's soccer game for a little while tonight. It was an alumni scrimmage, so Sara was playing, too. Cale likes watching the action on the field.

We miss you so much, babe. Being close to family and friends has certainly made things easier for me this time around... please don't worry about us.

We love you more than I can ever put into words. Take care of yourself. Hugs and kisses. Goodnight, my love.

Day 3

It's 4am, so technically day 4, but I haven't officially gotten out of bed, so I'm not counting that. Cale woke up and was fussing, so I went and got him out of his crib to rock him and he fell back asleep holding your dog tags and wedding ring. That kid sure knows how to melt my heart. There are days that he acts just like you.

I painted a pair of shoes for him today, and now I'm working on a pair for myself. If they are as cute as I think they're going to be, I'll wear them constantly.

Well, Cale is up again, so I may as well start day 4... One step closer. We love you. Be safe.

Day 2

I've already written this blog once today. And it was good. Thanks to blogger not saving my draft, I'm writing it again. And it's not nearly as good. I can't even remember what I wrote the first time. Oh, well.

Today was better. I made it through without crying, but that doesn't mean I miss you any less. I'm glad you made it to your current location... And I'm so thankful I've been able to talk to you.

We love you. Have a good day and we will talk to you as soon as we can. Stay safe. Goodnight, soldier.

Day 1

I feel raw. That's really all I can come up with to describe this. It hurts. It's a whirlwind of emotion that feels like it might rip me apart.

But it will be ok. We will make it.

We love you. Keep your head down and your weapon clean... We will talk to you soon.

Goodnight, Soldier.

Embracing the suck

There's not much in this world that hurts my heart more than watching my husband pack for deployment. He checks and double checks his packing list to be sure he has everything the Army says he needs. Each time he walks away to find something else, I secretly stuff another note in his gear, hoping that when he finds it, it might brighten one of the long days ahead of him.

Then there's MY packing list. I need to make sure he has everything I think he will need... Are there enough things in his bag to remind him of home when he's had a hard day? Did I pack Cale's toy for Daddy to snuggle? Photos?

The week before and week after he leaves are the toughest... And there are moments in there that are almost impossible to survive. It's so hard to smile when your heart is breaking, but that's my job. I have to pull myself together and be strong for my two guys. The memory of the last time he sees us will set the tone for this deployment, and I refuse for that memory to be of me bawling my eyes out and clinging to him. He needs that memory to be of Cale and I being strong and proud, full of love and support so that he can focus on his mission.

Duty is defined as a moral or legal obligation. A responsibility.

My husband serves this country because it's his duty. My duty is to support, love and wait for him to come home, and that means embracing the suck. So I take a deep breath, let it out and move forward, knowing that each day that passes brings me one day closer to his arms.

But it still sucks.

Cale Stephen Thornton

Our baby boy was born in February. Being the proud mama that I am, I feel compelled to share his adorable face with the world. ;)

Here we go... Again.

Life has taken us through so much in the last year. It's been an absolute whirlwind of excitement and I wouldn't trade it for a moment. Pregnancy, driving from Alaska to Kentucky (while 18 weeks pregnant) with three dogs and a psychotic GPS in tow, buying our first home, becoming parents... It has been amazing, overwhelming, exhausting, and at times, I was sure it might be the death of me.

But I'm here. I survived. I'm a bit more forgiving, a lot more patient, fiercely protective, and (I hope) a little wiser.

I'm starting to get this Army Wife thing figured out. I think. Ok, maybe not totally, but I'm hanging in there.

I will fully admit that the last deployment was hard on me. I didn't really know what to expect and I'm a planner. I don't do well with the unknown. Actually, not having a plan tends to make me behave like Sheldon Cooper on Chinese food night when everyone else wants pizza. I'm completely comfortable with my neurosis, thankyouverymuch. But this time... This deployment, I am determined to not let it catch me off guard. I have a plan.

Well, really, my plan is to stay in a routine with Cale (our 5 month old son) so that I don't let my fear and worry spin out of control. If I stay busy, I can't over think things, right? Hmmm... On second thought, maybe I need a backup plan.

Regardless, we will get through this. There is no other option.

One month old.

Today, my sweet boy, you have been with us for a month. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. Will the coming years go as quickly?

You are starting to be more aware of your surroundings. You look into my eyes and hold my finger. You notice movement and your big, bright eyes scope out your new environment. You love your binky and hate to let Mommy sleep.

You have completely stolen my heart. I wish you could stay this small forever, but I can't wait for you to find your own voice.

You are amazing. Happy One Month Birthday, Cale.