Sensitivity Training

Our military personnel encounter training on a daily basis, and as a spouse, I hear about a ton of it.  I live this life just like my soldier lives it, and most spouses start to take part of the military into their own personalities. I tell my dogs to "march" when they are in trouble. One of my best friends was the DD one night to a couple of soldiers and gave them a safety briefing before they got out of the car which included "Don't do anything stupid, call us if you need us, and go inside so you don't get frostbite. No Driving."  Nate pauses in the middle of conversations at least once per week and simply says, "You are such an Army Wife."

I take all of this as a compliment. I love my soldier, my military and my country.  I support all three unconditionally, and while I understand that everyone has an opinion about the military/president/war/politics/whatever...military families don't always need to hear those opinions. 

Imagine shopping at your local Wal-Mart. You are stopping in after work to pick up a few things for dinner. While you are pushing your cart through the dairy section, you run into an old friend who stops to chat.  They ask if your son is still in the Army. "Yes," you respond. "He's in Afghanistan." You had almost made it through the entire day without crying...and you are determined not to lose it by the milk cooler at Wal-mart...

Ok...I'm going to stop right there. There are two ways that this conversation can go...one direction is positive, the other, very negative.  I'm hoping that after reading this, everyone's conversations with military spouses and family members will head down that positive road, so, may I proudly present my version of sensitivity training.

I would like to start with questions that spouses and family members commonly hear. This would be a list of things that people say to try and show empathy...and in reality, they are the questions that make us groan...the things people say without thinking them through.  Please, NEVER say any of these things to a military spouse, girlfriend or family member.

1. Do you miss him?
          Really?!?!  What do you think? I will see my husband/child
          one time this year. Duh. Of course I miss him.

2. Aren't you afraid something might happen to him/he'll be killed?
          Um...every minute of every day. Terrified. Is that enough
          worry for you?

3. Well in my opinion...(Insert political opinion about
    President/military/war here).
          As I said earlier...we know you have an opinion. It doesn't
          mean that we need to hear it.  Ever. We also realize that our
          family member went to war to continue your rights to express
          that opinion...Please exercise that right elsewhere.

4. I saw on the news that...
         You all know my opinion on the news. I don't watch it. The news
         picks out the worst case scenarios in order to sway your political
         opinion in one direction or another. I don't need to see the
         conditions in which my husband is fighting because I can't change
         his circumstance.  I don't watch to see if there are things
         happening in the area he is in, or headed to, because
         if something happens to him, I'll be notified long before it ever
         makes it on the news...trust me.

5. Well, he signed up for this.
        Thank you. Yes, he did. He signed up to protect this freedom
        that you take for granted. He understood the risks he was taking
        and loves his job very much...and I am very proud of him. I also
        try on a daily basis to put those risks in the back of my mind, so
        thank you for bringing them back to the front.

6. Wow. I'm so jealous that you get to take a vacation to
    Hawaii/Alaska/Germany!
       My family member/best friend/boyfriend is stationed there.
       This is not a vacation. I miss him/her and this may be the only
       chance I have to see them before they go to WAR. Are you
       jealous of that, too? How about the once a week phone calls,
       or the six months with no hugs? I didn't think so.

7. I know what you're going through.
       Unless you've been a military spouse or family member
       and are talking to a person in the exact same position, you
       have no clue. Please just avoid this phrase. And no, you do
       NOT know how I feel.

8. Other things to never say:
       I don't know how you do it.
       Has he had to kill anyone?
       Aren't you afraid he'll cheat on you?
      Why couldn't he get a REAL job?
      I'd die if my husband left me alone for that long.
      Are you afraid of him now?
      Are you excited he's coming home?



Ok...Now that we've covered what NOT to say...Let's travel down that positive road, shall we? I know that many of the above comments are said with the heart in the right place, so here's a list of things that can be said to encourage and support without causing a meltdown in the milk aisle.

Let's go out for coffee.

How bout a girls' night?

Call me anytime you need to talk.

If you ever need to run some errands, I'd be happy to watch the kids for a while.

We're having _____ for dinner tonight, would you like to join us?

I don't know what you're going through, but what can I do to help?

I'm running to the store...do you need anything?

I'd like to send a package. Can I have his address?


And the biggest, most heartfelt comment you can make?  "Thank you."

Hope this helps, even if it's just a little.